This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
