I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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