So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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