i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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