After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
