I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
