Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
