Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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