Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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