I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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