This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
