hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
