What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
