Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
