btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have fence marks all over my body
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
