Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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