it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
