I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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