I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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