I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't deserve a penis
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize