woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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