Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
