I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
