can we get nightvision for the apartment?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
