pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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