sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
