I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
