tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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