you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
