look no pants
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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