YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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