is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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