my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
