Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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