I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
