she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
