Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize