I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Couch. On fire.
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