We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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