Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
