If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize