alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
