im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
