He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish you could order shots online.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
