i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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