Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
