It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just googled if crying burns calories
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
