its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
