I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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