My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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