"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
