she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
