3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
