Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
