i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
