Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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