Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
