Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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