Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
