my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
