we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
